she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
