How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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