I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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