i just google imaged poop.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
