There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize
