I have demons in me.
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
