so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
