you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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