I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
