why didn't you poke me back
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
