one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
