Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
it's like iHOP with fire
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
