Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Randomize
