hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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