I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
