Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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