if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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