just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
