The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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