Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
