I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
