I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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