Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
