failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
