Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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