Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
