M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I woke up under a house in Key West
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
