I want you more than these girls want KFC
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
