i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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