I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
