i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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