she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
