5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
