i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
