and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
