The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
