I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
