dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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