I'm drive I can fine osifer
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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