I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
