You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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