My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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