When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
