if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
