while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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