drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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