I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
