wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
