First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Randomize
