He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
We had sex on a dog bed..
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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